Who to Date
Proverbs 31:30
One of the great dangers in dating is the tendency to adopt a consumer mentality rather than a companion mentality. When you ask people what kind of person they would like to date, they begin to list a set of characteristics. “Tall, but not too tall. Sensitive, but strong. Confident, but also caring. Handsome, but funny. And a good job with solid income.”
One of the great dangers in dating is the tendency to adopt a consumer mentality rather than a companion mentality. When you ask people what kind of person they would like to date, they begin to list a set of characteristics. “Tall, but not too tall. Sensitive, but strong. Confident, but also caring. Handsome, but funny. And a good job with solid income.”
The problem with starting with a list of characteristics is that it
creates an expectation no one can possibly meet. You are trying to customize
your order to get what you think is best for you. In dating, you are looking
for a person to love, not a product to
consume. So your selection process can’t be rooted in transient characteristics
like looks, charm, or wealth, because these characteristics fade over time (see
Proverbs 31:30). If your marriage is built on surface characteristics, you have
no hope together of a lasting future.
In dating, you are not constructing a robot from human parts to fit
your needs. Rather, you are leveraging your life to build up the other person
for the glory of God. The person you choose to marry should thus have an anchor
point of love and morality outside of what
you offer so your marriage can stay strong even when you are at your weakest.
You want someone whose faithfulness to you is not anchored in the shifting
sands of circumstance.
Now, are you going to find all this out about a person on date one? Of
course not! Anybody can bluff their way through a one-hour interview. But what
you want to see is someone who is striving to do beautiful
things for beautiful reasons. You want someone who is actively pursuing the
Lord with a level of intensity compatible to yours. You want to stand at the
altar together and promise to be faithful to each other without wondering if
both of you are sincere.
You want to live out your years with someone who is not only faithful
to God but also a good fit for you. Your personal convictions and beliefs about
God matter in your relationship. There are critical
theological issues about which you cannot bend: the existence of the triune
God, the reality of sin, the substitutionary death of the Christ, and salvation
by grace through faith. Beyond these are other critical issues you may be able
to disagree on and work through together. Yet I caution that while you do not
need to be lockstep on every issue, you want to be aligned on the issues most
critical to you.
Being socially compatible matters. The majority of your marriage will
not be spent having sex but hanging out together. You should find your mate
interesting. You should have life and career goals that point in compatible
directions. Some compromise is essential. But too much, and you may both end up
frustrated because you are unable to fulfill your mission in life.
The Bible recognizes value in physical attraction (just read the Song
of Solomon). It is a factor in building a relationship—but it does not
determine if you should be with someone. Obviously, this is because we all age
and external beauty or health fades. So be smart! It is much easier to
contemplate these issues before the wedding. Considering all these points will
help you discern whether or not God has ordained a relationship.
Respond
When you consider who to date, what are you looking for in a person?
What are your deal-breakers in deciding who to date? Where are you
willing to bend and sacrifice in a relationship?
How do you determine whether the person you want to date is striving
for the same goals that you have? What is the potential pitfall in not making
this a priority?
Adapted
From: Dating You Version
